i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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