i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
