Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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