Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
