after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
