this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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