Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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