I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
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Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
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He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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