Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
There's always time for handjobs
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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