all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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