How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I smell like Dick and happiness
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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