i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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