24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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