And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
