Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
