I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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