I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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