Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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