I met the friendliest cop last night
Barsexuality is the new black.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
