glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
someone get that fucking seahorse.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
