Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
