Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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