I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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