I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
