OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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