if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
