Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
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I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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