masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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