theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
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Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
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i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.