they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?