Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs