I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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