Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
