This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
