i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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