It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
