Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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