so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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