One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
