apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
