I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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