Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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