Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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