people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
