So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
