I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
