she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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