My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
