I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The Olympian is in my bed
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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