I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
