Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
