I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
