I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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