If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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