When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Couch. On fire.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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