mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
