So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
