i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
