you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
the condom got lost in my hair
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
