I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
organizing the empties. That sober.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
