I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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