u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
