Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
